I have been having a recurring dream lately where the guy I have a crush on in my dream tells me he likes me too. The interesting thing is each dream is different in details and often the guy has no face, but 95% of the time he doesn’t let me know he has feelings for me by saying that he does, he tells me by reaching out and touching my arm, or holding my hand or something similarly innocent. Each time it happens my heart soars in the dream and my whole being is flooded with the excitement and elation that comes with requited feelings.
Experiencing requited feelings has only truly happened once to me. His name was Ben and December marked 3 years since he was killed in a car accident. For the longest time I simply had no desire to seek out a new relationship. My heart needed to heal, my mind needed to get used to the fact that he was no longer here. These dreams started in November and they come almost every second night. It seems to me that maybe my heart and my mind are trying to tell me something… maybe they are ready to find love again.
This thought raises a few new issues though. I may want to start looking for a relationship again, but my weight is a big hindrance to someone being interested in me. Whether it is fair or not we all know males are visual creatures. Now every guy has his preference: some like thin, some like curves, but generally none likes obese, and really that’s fair enough. It’s not a healthy way for me to be, but it means that if I am to even start to get the interest of any guy I have to lose a lot of weight. Yes I am in the difficult process of doing this, but I have so much to lose it is going to be a super long time before I am a size that men might start to take notice of me. I have no trouble making guy friends, so I figure it’s not my personality putting them off…
Issue number 2 is there are no, and I really mean NO guys in my world that are a good age for me that are single. In fact there are very few guys in my world that are even a good age for me! …although I guess if I were in a place that I was comfortable enough with myself and the way I look that I would find ways to overcome that.
Issue number 3 – I’m looking for a husband, not just a date. I don’t want just some pointless relationship. I want the real deal. I don’t see the point in dating lots of people or even dating the one person if the relationship isn’t going anywhere!
Issue number 4 brings us to the fact that I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m 29, have a lot of weight to lose, which as I mentioned will take a lot of time, then I have to try and find someone – more time, then we have to get to know each other etc etc. You get the idea… I feel like I could be 40 before I end up marrying… and that’s if everything goes smoothly!
Issue number 5 – What if I never get married? Now, this isn’t an Amanda feeling sorry for herself, or a looking for sympathy kind of thing. It’s the truth. Some people never get married. Some choose a single life, others just never find the right person to marry. This terrifies me. Some people grow up dying to be a mother, others want a fabulous career, other want to travel – and while I do want those things [except for being a mother – still undecided on that one] what I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember is to be married and while it would be consistent with the unfair pattern of my life to this point, it would be totally devastating to me if I did never marry… yet part of me I think is already trying to get used to the fact that this could be the outcome… or maybe part of me is just starting to give up and I need to keep believing that it IS possible for me to get married… but I also know that just because you want something so much doesn’t mean it will happen.
There is a little part of me that is ok with being single, for the moment anyway. I know there is still a lot more work I need to do emotionally before I would be in a healthy place to be in a healthy relationship. I still need to learn to love myself, heck I still need to learn to like myself in a lot of areas…
So I guess for now I will enjoy the dreams and keep working hard emotionally, mentally and physically to be the best version of myself I can be whether Mr Right comes along or not.