It’s been a while since I have updated you all on my journey to a healthier body and lifestyle. The main reason is I have been feeling a little disappointed with myself. Since my surgery, but particularly since finding out I have blood sugar issues, I just haven’t been able to get my mind back to where it was before, back to thinking more rationally about food, not using it as a way to deal with emotions and not just eating what I feel like when I feel like it. One would think that especially since finding out about my high blood sugar levels that I would want to be healthy and eat healthily. Trust, me it’s not a matter of not wanting to…
I lie in bed each night, disappointed with the day I just had. I try not to beat myself up over it and go to sleep determined to start afresh the next day. The next day comes and somewhere during the day I end up eating too much, or eating unhealthy things and the cycle starts again. Or maybe I end up having a good day, so when the next day comes I think, I did well yesterday, so eating this take away food [or whatever] is ok. I feel stuck in a cycle that emotionally and mentally I just can’t seem to break out of.
A big part of the disappointment has also been that I really thought I had overcome a lot more of these issues than it seems I actually have. That’s disheartening. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally depressed by it all, and I haven’t given up, or even been really bad, I have just been more “bad” with my food choices than I would like and I feel discouraged about that.
Later today I will be seeing a Dietitian. My GP recommended me to him to help control my blood sugar and also help me with weight loss and says many of his patients who have seen this Dietitian have had great success with both. I am in two minds about it. I am a little excited for the fact that others have had good success while seeing him. I am looking forward to having more support and help along the way and I am excited that if all goes well I will be back on track again. On the flip side I am concerned and even a little scared.
One thing I discovered in the time leading up to my surgery that I was losing weight, was that when I lose weight for me, when I set my own guidelines and program, I actually find it easier to stick to. I’m doing it for myself, my way and I tend to be less hard on myself and have more success. I am concerned that working with a Dietitian will put me back in the head-space I had previously always been when it comes to weight loss, and that is that it’s someone else rules and that I will be doing it purely because someone expects it of me. It has never worked when I look at it that way.
I guess the simple solution is to just not look at it that way, but just because it is the simple solution doesn’t mean it is easy. Sometimes I truly wish I could just take my brain out and put in an upgraded version that doesn’t have these emotional and mental struggles. I wish there was a switch I could flip and I would just be able to think about things differently.
My Psychologist is wonderfully supportive, and I guess with the help of the Dietitian I will, potentially, have a pretty great support network – oh and my GP too… I’m just scared of what the future holds, I;m scared of how much work I am going to have to put in, how much pain it is going to bring up and how much of a struggle it is all going to be. I’m not sure I have the strength to make it through. I’m not sure I can make it.
My only solution is to give it all over to God. To trust in Him that He knows the plan of my life, He has the answers and that He is guiding and leading me to the right people to help me. I am going to, yet again, have to rely on His strength. “Let Go and Let God”as the old saying goes. That’s never been easy for me to do, but I just have to try again.
Have you ever been in a situation in your life that you thought you had progressed through more than you actually had? What did you do to keep yourself going? How did you turn it around?